


look up at the sky (we all become stars)

by lixology



Series: the stars are crossed in our galaxy [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bang Chan is Whipped, Blood and Injury, Boys In Love, ChanLix, Character Death - Freeform, I'm Sorry, Lee Felix (Stray Kids) is Whipped, M/M, Mentioned Kim Seungmin, One Shot, Sad, Sad Ending, Stars, Worry, chan dies, college student felix, he knows something is going on, lapslock - Freeform, like really sad, secret agent chan, sorry i love him, why does everyone kill chan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-23 16:21:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20343064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lixology/pseuds/lixology
Summary: until he really took the time to lay down and look up at the sky, chan truly had no idea just how many stars there were.or, chan thinks about felix as life ebbs away from him.





	look up at the sky (we all become stars)

**Author's Note:**

> I've been thinking a lot about writing angst and the other day I just got in the mood for it, so here it is. I apologize in advance!! 
> 
> Anyways, please enjoy!

it was _ supposed _ to be a quick, low-risk mission, especially for chan, who considered himself fairly experienced in field missions. in fact, if it weren’t for the information leak, he probably would’ve already been home, washed up and eating dinner with his boyfriend.

except chan is currently stumbling up an endless flight of stairs, breathing heavily as shouts clamor some three or four floors underneath him and seungmin’s soothing voice says something that completely flies over his head.

he reaches a metal door and shoves it open, flushed face meeting a chilling wind. he’s at the top of the building. he curses his luck (rather, his lack thereof). slamming the door closed, chan kicks the handle off so that it can’t be opened easily. he slowly moves away from it, now completely cognizant of just how much the gunshot wound to his abdomen hurts.

“_ chan-hyung, listen… you… _” seungmin’s voice fizzes in and out.

the moment his comm cuts out completely and he can no longer hear seungmin’s calm orders laid over frantic typing in the background, chan knows his best chance at survival is making a run for it down the side of the 92-story building he’s currently on, but bang chan has never been too good with building-scaling, and he hates heights anyway. that, and _ god _ , his whole ribcage hurts like the fiery pits of hell, his wound won’t stop bleeding, he’s tired, and he really, _ really _ wants to see felix.

so chan lets himself sit down (or well, he practically topples over from pain and exhaustion, but no one’s _ really _ watching him) in a sheltered corner of the rooftop. he figures no one at the agency would mind if he enjoyed a conversation with felix in the middle of an already botched mission.

with one trembling hand, chan applies gentle pressure to the area where his shirt’s soaked through with blood; with the other, he fishes an untraceable flip phone from his pockets. chan struggles to regulate his breathing and curses the thin atmosphere. he must be exhausted, because he wants to close his eyes with how heavy his eyelids are getting, but chan forces himself to blink harshly, refusing to give his dry eyes a well-deserved rest.

‘_ felix _,’ his mind supplies, and he uses all the strength left in his arms to flick the flip phone open and type in felix’s number — still searingly embedded in his memory even if he usually uses a smartphone — digit by digit. the slightly off-tune notes coming from each button being pressed makes chan want to laugh and cry at the same time, because everything is somehow simultaneously terrifying and hilarious.

he vaguely wonders if that’s how drug addicts feel on a high, lying on the rooftop (if it could be called that) of a drug lord’s main base. damn those security guards.

chan shakes the loose train of thought from his head and presses the little, glowing “call” button.

the blonde male leans against the wall, patiently watching the sky darken as the phone rings. at the fourth ring, he’s about to call it quits and settle for talking to the newly awakening stars, but felix picks up on the fifth and there’s already a stupid grin forming on his face.

“_ hello? _ ” felix’s greeting echoes through the ancient device, his korean accent-heavy and slurred like it always is when he’s paying close attention to something else. quite frankly, chan has no idea what he wants to say first. “ _ hello? _” the younger’s voice comes again.

“hey lix,” chan breathes out, and it’s like all of the tension has left his body, which is both wonderfully relaxing and logically horrifying. he thinks his voice sounds a little hoarse.

“_ channie-hyung? _” felix sounds confused and tired, and chan feels like he can almost physically reach out and touch felix as he rubs his eyes tiredly with how vividly he can visualize the action. he wants to hold the younger in his arms and make him go to sleep.

when was the last time he’d hugged felix? kissed him? took him out to do something other than grab chinese takeout for dinner?

the answer scares him more than it should.

11 hours ago, 13 hours ago, and 5 days ago, in that order.

“let’s do something tomorrow,” chan blurts out before he can stop himself, unconsciously following his incoherent train of thought. wow, he’s more far gone than he thought he was. there’s a beat of silence that follows before felix bursts out into laughter.

it’s a nice sound; chan doesn’t think he’ll ever hear a laugh more beautiful than felix’s.

“why’re you laughing?” he asks, but he’s lightly chuckling along despite the aching throb that reminds him of his time slowly running out. “i was being serious.”

“_ i have exams tomorrow, remember? i was actually studying before someone disturbed my peace and quiet. _” felix’s tone holds a teasing lilt, and his smile is all chan can think about as he gently cradles the cold, black flip phone closer to his ear.

“am i being a bother?” he inquires quietly, breathing becoming harder by the second. chan prays that felix can’t hear him because of the terrible audio quality of the flip phone. the ginger hums from the other end of the line.

“_ if i said yes, would you hang up? _”

chan remains quiet.

“_ hyung, _ ” felix says, tone softer than before, “ _ you’re never a bother. _”

“yeah. yeah, right. sorry, i know.” the older sighs, watching the first of many stars starting to appear in the navy and violet-painted sky. “...so what about…” chan stops to catch his breath, “the day after tomorrow?”

the wound is kind of numb at this point. that, or he’s just gotten better at pushing the fact that there’s kind of a hole in his abdomen to the back of his mind. felix giggles tiredly.

“_ where’s this coming from, huh? _” a small clattering noise notifies him that felix has dropped his pen onto the table.

“i miss you. i want to see you.” chan has to grit his teeth to get every word out, desperate to be heard.

“_ ...is everything okay? you sound a bit worn out. _” felix sounds worried.

“yeah.” he stops speaking momentarily. “yeah, there’s nothing wrong.” he breathes and smiles. at the very least, he tries to, even if felix can’t see him. “say, what do you wanna do on our date?”

“_ i don’t know… maybe a movie? _”

“that’s boring. let’s do something more interesting.” chan pauses. “what do you _ really _ want to do?” he does his best to ignore the insistent pounding on the door to the rooftop and turn his focus on felix’s response. the ginger laughs again from the other end of the line.

“_ that’s all i could ever want, hyung. you know, just sitting on the couch and cuddling while a movie plays in the background. _” chan wants to see felix’s smile really bad right now. he chuckles out a tired ‘uh-huh,’ letting his eyes slip closed.

“sounds... nice,” he mumbles. all of his limbs feel like lead.

“_ hyung, are you falling asleep on me? _ ” felix asks, and chan blinks languidly, bringing some semblance of consciousness back to his mind. “ _ i don’t know if i should be offended or proud, since you never sleep- _ ” he rambles, sounding a bit more nervous than earlier. when chan doesn’t respond, felix lets out a whimper. “ _ ...channie-hyung? _”

chan curses his vision and focuses on the stars, which are unveiling themselves one by one. he starts counting them in an attempt to keep himself awake and distracted.

“yeah, i’m right here, lix.” breathing in slowly, the older continues trying to count the individual stars in the endless sea splayed out before his eyes. until he really took the time to lay down and look up at the sky, chan truly had no idea just how many stars there were. felix starts to say something but chan cuts him off abruptly. “hey, are you next to a window right now?”

“_ what? yes…? yeah, i am. _” the younger sniffles, and chan swears that his heart crumbles a little bit.

“look outside. the stars… they’re really pretty. it’s almost like they’re watching us.” he doesn’t say anything else, but the unspoken words linger in the rapidly cooling night air. “lix.” a hum of acknowledgement comes from felix. “felix.”

“_ ...yeah? _”

“i love you.” the words finally leave his mouth, sigh-like, whispered in the way secrets are meant to be told.

“_ i love you too _ .” the boy on the other end of the line clears his throat. “ _ so, where are you? i changed my mind. i wanna see you right now. _”

“can’t…” chan groans. “i’m at work, love.” the sky starts to blur. chan can’t count anymore. he’s so dizzy that it hurts to keep his eyes open.

“_ hyung please, i’d give anything to see you right now. _ ” voice frantic, felix stops talking just as black spots start adorning the edges of chan’s vision. “ _ you’re okay, right? _” chan doesn’t have the heart to lie to felix again.

“i think i’ve kept you on the phone too long, lixie.” his words are slurred and he can barely even breathe, but chan needs to do this right now. “focus on your exams, baby. i’ll see you the day after tomorrow, right?”

“_ for our date. _ ” felix’s voice shakes uncontrollably. “ _ ...promise? _”

the word tears into his heart.

“on the stars.” every inhale burns his lungs, and his face is wet, though he can’t tell if it’s from sweat or tears. _ maybe it’s both _ , he muses. “lix, how many stars,” he manages to heave out a sigh. “do you think are up there?” goddamnit, he’s running out of _ time _.

“..._ what? i don’t know. _”

chan can vaguely hear the sound of felix pushing his window open.

“have you tried counting them?” he probably sounds delirious, but he just has so many things to say to felix and not enough air, not enough strength, not enough time to speak them all.

“_ no, i haven’t. _” felix’s response comes, his breathing irregular and muffled.

“look up at the sky.” ‘**would you still recognize me if i became one of those stars?**’ he thinks, but he doesn’t ask.

chan wishes he had more time.

the pounding at the door sounds a bit more distant, the stars a little less bright than before.

_ god _, he really wishes he had more fucking time.

he’s too tired to cry, to mourn. he wants to go home.

“_ we can count together. later. _” felix’s voice is hushed, like he’s the one being chased down.

chan nods slowly, not for felix, but for himself.

“you’re my home, you know that?”

“_ i know. _ ” ‘ **and you’re mine.**’

“i love you.”

“_ i know that too. _ ” ‘ **i love you more.**’

“good.” chan doesn’t say anything else for what feels like an eternity. “i’ll miss you.”

“_ but, _ ” felix stutters, “ _ i’ll see you on saturday? _” it’s more of a question than anything else.

“saturday,” he replies in affirmation. the doorway finally bursts open. “i’ve got to go, lix.” ‘**i’m sorry.**’ chan’s time is up. “i’ll call you back later.”

“_ hyung, wait- _”

the line goes dead.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, I swear I love Chan :(( mans deserves better 
> 
> I don't usually write in present tense, so sorry if it sounds weird haha
> 
> Thanks for reading! Feel free to drop a comment so that we can be friends!


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